My New Year’s Resolutions- Part 1 (Or Day 24- Christmas Miracles)

What's that Betsey Johnson? You are so amazed by all the
weight I've lost? You want me to wear your swimsuit
everywhere? Okay, I'll do it!

So, I didn’t ever post my miracle for Christmas Day, but I am actually glad that I didn’t, because I have had some time to reflect on Christmas being over, and have realized that the final Christmas miracle is that we have a chance to start anew. So, now that Christmas is over, and I still have a bunch of time off, what better to consider than my New Year’s resolutions? Now, typically I am not a huge believer in New Year’s resolutions. I mean, my declaration that I am going to stop eating an entire pan of Ghirardelli brownies in one sitting is not actually going to be more effective on January 1 than it would be on June 1, but something about the new year makes us hopeful that we will be able to make changes in our lives. It is like getting a do-over of all the bad decisions we made, crappy things we ate and drank, and good things we neglected to do during the previous year.

So, even though I don’t 100% believe that New Year’s resolutions are totally effective, I always make some anyway. What can I say? I’m a sheep! Baa! The next few posts will be about my New Year’s resolutions, and also things I wish for the new year. My biggest New Year’s resolution is to lose the remainder of the weight I want to lose. I have already lost 40 pounds, but have not made much progress since the summer, and have gained a little back since Halloween. (Hey, we’ve all been there). Last night, like a madwoman, I exercised late at night because, clearly, I was on crack or something. I also did arm weights and ab exercises. I plan to do cardio, arm weights, and ab exercises as many days as possible because I want to lose weight and also be toned.

In fact, I want to look so good that I will be able to wear this two-piece Betsey Johnson swimsuit I bought a couple of years ago on clearance. I bought it to inspire myself, and it is a size large. Even when I wore a size 8 in pants I still had to buy size large shirts because I have big shoulders and the girls aren’t tiny either. Plus, I am just not a petite person. If I get to my goal weight and look great I will be more than happy to buy size large shirts and swimsuits for the remainder of eternity. In fact, if I get to looking fantastic, I am only going to wear that two-piece swimsuit. Everywhere I go. I will wear it to work, to doctor’s appointments, and out to walk my dog. I would also love to take photos of myself in my swimsuit looking great and post them next to my before picture on all forms of social media known to man, but I will not do that, because that is tacky, and almost all women hate it when other women post half-naked photos on Facebook. (Those who do not are probably the ones posting these photos).

So, instead of disseminating pictures of myself I will, as I said, just wear the swimsuit absolutely everywhere. And, if it gets cold, I will just wear a wetsuit everywhere I go. You see, it has been a long time that I have not been proud of how I look, so if I do actually get to the point where I am happy about my body then I am going to want everyone to know. Perhaps I will have to install a pool. On my roof. And then I will spend the day lying next to my pool waving at the neighbors. You get the picture.

I am actually not narcissistic, at least not more than the typical person but, you all know how it feels. If you lose weight, or get your teeth whitened, or get an awesome new haircut and you know you look good, then you don’t mind if other people see you. Particularly if you weren’t so happy with how you looked previously. So, if you are driving down the road and you see a woman in a swimsuit walking down the sidewalk, that will be me. So, get out of your car, walk with me, and show off the awesome things about yourself!

Betsey Johnson image courtesy of http://www.biography.com/imported/images/Biography/Images/Profiles/J/Betsey-Johnson-23182-2-402.jpg

Days 22 & 23- The 24 Days of Christmas Miracles Campaign (Or “Doggone It!”)

Betty hates the cone of shame!

Miracles 23 and 24 have to do with my pets. Last week my dog, Betty, and my cat, Janice, had their teeth cleaned. While Betty was under anesthesia, she also had a benign growth removed from her tail. (While the growth was not dangerous, it was very irritating to her, so I got it removed when she already had to be under anesthesia). On Monday I had to take her to the vet because she was in pain and not healing correctly, and they removed the stitches early. As a result, her tail has to be cleaned and rebandaged twice a day. Also, she has to wear the cone of shame, which, let me just tell you, she is not too fond of! Monday’s miracle is the miracle of my having wonderful family and friends who will help me in my animal care activities.

You see, trying to clean and bandage Betty’s tail without any assistance would be kind of like trying to lasso a rabid badger with your bare hands. It hurts her and she cries and moves around a lot. The cone helps a bit because it makes it harder for her to bite me, but I still wouldn’t want to undertake that job sans assistant. I am lucky that my dad has been helping me with the tail upkeep. Also, I know that if my dad didn’t help me, my mom, or another family member, or one of my friends would. I am very lucky to have such great, caring people in my life!

The miracle of Christmas Eve is that all of my pets came out from hiding and let me love on them. Since the dental cleaning, Betty doesn’t usually want to be around me because she is afraid I am going to clean her tail. Janice hides from me because she has to have eyedrops as a result of something getting in her eye during her dental cleaning, and Charlie runs when he sees me coming because he doesn’t want to take his nightly medication. While I am actually not running an animal hospital, I have gotten pretty good at sneaking up on unsuspecting animals and giving them medication/administering treatments without their being able to run away first. As a result, if they even sense my presence they are prone to scurrying under or behind furniture. Last evening, they somehow all decided to come hang out on the bed with me. It was really nice, plus it consolidated all of the stray pet fur that comes off them into one location, you know, for easier clean up! I hope you had a great Christmas Eve, too!

Day 21- The 24 Days of Christmas Miracles Campaign (Or “The Age of Dating”)

The odds of my finding a good man to date may be the
same as the odds of this meteorite hitting me on top of
the head.

Yesterday’s miracle of Christmas is that my mom and I came to a pretty good agreement about the type of guy I need if I should ever decide to date again. The sticking point between us has typically been in the age range I am willing to date. In the past, there have been a couple of guys I went out with who were somewhat older than I was, and they also happened to be pretty boring, stick-in-the-mud type people. Now, I do not believe this attitude is a function of age at all, but rather of the person’s spirit. My mom has always told me that these men “clipped my wings,” which, while I do agree with her, I do not think it is because of their ages, but rather because they just weren’t fun people.

I try to remain pretty lively as I get older, and my mom thinks that the way to ensure I end up with a fun, good-spirited man is to not date people who are more than a few years older than I am. I am not too big on the idea of going younger, though. I definitely don’t want to date anyone who isn’t at least 30, and I still think that’s a bit young for me! I am more liberal in my definition of an acceptable age range than is my mom. While I am open to dating men who are in their forties, my mom has exhibited some reticence about me doing this.

Yesterday, while eating Goldberg’s bagels and being served by our favorite waiter, we discussed this issue. We came to a mutually agreeable solution that I just need to find someone who is fun with a young spirit. (Now, that makes it sound like I’m shopping around for septuagenarians. Trust me, I’m not!) Anyway, she seems okay with things now, as long as I don’t let someone put the kibosh on my good spirits. We also agreed that this man would need to know how to use a phone, communicate regularly, have a good job, and be intelligent. While I am thinking that the odds of my meeting this mythical man are probably similar to the odds of a meteorite hitting the earth by landing directly on top of my head, in the spirit of Christmas, I will keep hoping.

Days 19 & 20- The 24 Days of Christmas Miracles Campaign (Or “Stuff It!)

Pops and Grams-The cutest couple in the entire restaurant!

I must apologize. I got out of work on Friday for my TWO-WEEK vacation, and I let my posting duties lapse. So today I have to post for four days, which, while I do like writing these posts, I do not like letting myself get so far behind. Friday’s and Saturday’s Christmas miracles were both related to my finishing my MBA. On Friday night, my family and I went out to Maggiano’s to celebrate the completion of my degree. Now, I don’t know if you have ever been to Maggiano’s. but they have this little thing called “family-style dining.” When you order your meal family style, the whole table picks three appetizers and salads, four main dishes, and two desserts and—get ready for it—EVERYTHING is all-you-can-eat.

Let me just tell you, the nineteenth day of Christmas’s miracle is that neither myself, nor any of my family died while eating that humongo meal! I tried really hard not to stuff myself, but then the baked ziti with cheese came back out and I had just a little more, and, before you know it, I was lying back in my chair like a beached whale. Then, when the dessert came out, I didn’t have any because I was so full I literally thought my stomach would explode like the spaghetti sauce guy in Seven’s if I ate anymore. I thought I was being all good and stuff, but that was before I realized that Maggiano’s sends any leftover food, including dessert, home with you! So, the next afternoon, I just ate a big old honking piece of cake anyway! (It was delicious, by the way!)

Saturday’s miracle is that my diploma came in the mail, so now I have actual real proof that I finished my degree, and the whole thing seems so much more tangible. Now I have to get a cool frame for my diploma. On a side note, my diploma was sent certified mail, and required a signature, but I was not home when the mailman tried to drop it off. I had to go to the post office to pick it up, and there was not a lot of holiday cheer to be had at the post office. Perhaps the customers and postal workers need to begin trying to discover Christmas miracles in their own lives, such as the fact that the automated stamp machine worked, and that you can usually eventually locate your package if you search long enough!

Days 17 & 18- The 24 Days of Christmas Miracles Campaign (Or “The Case of the Disappearing Friend”)

Where did my friend go? Is he under this stapler?

So, I am a little behind on my posting. Today I must post miracles for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Wednesday and Thursday, the seventeenth and eighteenth days of Christmas, respectively, hosted miracles with a similar theme, which is me being able to speak my mind. When I was married, I became quite meek and unwilling to say what I thought to my husband which, if you know me, then you know that this is not really the way I am at all. Recently, a friend who I have not heard from in a while has reappeared in my life. This friend ostensibly wanted to hang out, which we did a couple of times. However, he then disappeared off the face of the earth without a trace. I was disappointed, but chalked it up to his being flaky.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, this friend contacted me again, apologizing for his prior disappearing act and stating his desire to get together. After thinking it over, I decided to give him another chance. Now, those who know me know that I am very prompt, and that I am a planner, so being in limbo about plans is something that is very difficult for me. Well, this friend and I have made plans two or three times since Thanksgiving break and, each time, he has cancelled at the last minute, usually with some odd, barely plausible excuse. What’s more, he randomly will call or text me, and then vanish when I respond to said calls or texts.

Well, this situation came to a head on Wednesday evening when he and I were supposed to get together for dinner. When I had not hear from him on Tuesday evening, I started to suspect we would not be having dinner on Wednesday. I finally heard from him close to 6 PM on Wednesday when he left me a message to tell me that he couldn’t make it because he was sick, and that we would get together soon. I snapped. I am not big on being jerked around, and trying to maintain even a casual relationship with this person was proving to be exhausting! I really do enjoy his company, however, the odd excuses, lack of communication, and lack of availability had made me wonder if he was either a) a secret member of the CIA b) supporting a severe drug or alcohol habit or c) in the Witness Protection Program. So, I did what I always do when I am upset: I wrote about it.

I wrote down all of the things I wanted to say to him. Then I read and reread and reread and edited my comments for conciseness and clarity. When I finally felt I had summed up my feelings well, I sent him a text expressing my ire at having my time treated like it was really invaluable, and wishing him well on improving this problem so that he can maintain friendships in the future. After I sent the text I felt great! Even if I never hear from him again, at least I got a chance to say how I feel, and to express my disappointment and anger without fear of being yelled at or shamed. My willingness and ability to do that is a holiday miracle in and of itself.

So far I haven’t heard from him, and I don’t know if I will, but at least I am being emotionally honest and looking after myself. It is disappointing when our interactions with others do not turn out as we had hoped, however, we must always remember that it takes two people to form any sort of relationship, be it a familial relationship, a dating relationship, or a friendship. I believe that, ultimately, if something is actually important to someone, that they will make it happen. So if it is important to someone to have me as a friend, then they will do what it takes to maintain a friendship with me. I can’t do it all on my own. I have also accepted that it may not be important to my friend to have me in his life, and that I must see things realistically as opposed to how I want them to be. He may have disappeared into the ether forever, and, although it doesn’t ever feel good to find out that you do not matter very much to someone, it is emotionally healthier to embrace this fact than to lie to yourself about it. So, another miracle is that I am able to accept that some people may not want to hang out with me, but that their choices do not reflect poorly on me or mean that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes we never know why people behave the way they do, and we could not even venture to guess at their motivations. I would love to know the story behind my friend’s odd behavior, but, even if I never do, I am not sorry for the lessons I have learned.

Day 16- The 24 Days of Christmas Miracles Campaign (Or “I Ate It All Up!”)

A student gave me this bag. It is full of
sweets, but now it will take me several days
to consume them all, as opposed to the 20
minutes it would have previously taken me!

As anyone who has ever been around me for five minutes can attest, I love food. I love eating, and also drinking certain delicious beverages, although, let me just tell you, my decision-making faculties are not that reliable after that third margarita! Well, recently I have gotten tired of having to meticulously track every little thing I eat or drink on the Weight Watchers website or on some other calorie-tracking program. I have just had it! So, I have a new weight loss plan, and it is truly a miracle that I have been able to free myself to adopt this plan. Now, I simply eat whatever I want to, whenever I want to! It is truly a fabulous weight loss plan, and I have already lost a couple of pounds following it. Let me explain.

I always restrict what I eat, and never let myself have certain “forbidden foods” (i.e. anything that tastes really good). As a result, when I get around these foods I go hog wild, kind of like Elliot Spitzer with a smart phone camera or something. I see a bag of miniature Butterfinger candy bars and I will feel like I have to eat the whole bag, or at least eat 17 little bars. Now that I am allowing myself candy whenever I want it, I do not feel the need to eat 576 pieces at any given time. Instead, I can usually eat just a few and then stop, because I know I can have some again later whenever I want it.

This past weekend, I went out to eat a couple of times. I did not get salads, but instead ordered items that contained little “evils” like cheese and olive oil, and you know what? I didn’t feel like I had to consume the whole massive amount of the dish that was put on my plate. Instead, I ate some of it, and then stopped. (I still don’t take leftovers from restaurants home with me, because I have not gotten my at-home binge eating under control yet.) However, I don’t want you to think it’s always simple. Sometimes I still do badly. Like today. I brought in Utz’s Pub Mix from a party I had over the weekend, and I picked the bagel bites out and snacked on them all morning, and I also ate some fudge a student gave me, oh, and part of a brownie. In fact, when it got to be lunchtime I wasn’t even hungry for my lunch.

I did not eat my lunch because I was full, which is a huge miracle because in the past I would have just developed a fifth stomach and shoved my lunch on in so I could stay on schedule. So, instead of fussing at myself, I am proud of myself for not also eating my lunch. I have decided that losing weight is mostly about being nice to yourself and allowing yourself to be human a lot more than it is about what you eat. Most people that have issues with their weight have them because they are linked to emotional issues, and it is finding the root of those emotional issues that allows the weight to come off. I know the name of my emotional issues, and I am glad to be divorced from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named now. Still, I have to get to the point where I unconditionally love myself and will kick the ass of anyone who tries to treat me badly before the weight is going to come off and stay off. I’m working on it.

You may also be surprised to find out that the inspiration behind this non-diet is John Travolta. I read somewhere a few years ago that he lost weight by eating half of what he used to eat—and so I thought I’d try it too. I know some people will not believe that this weight loss non-plan is going to work, but I can tell you that I sure do feel better! Not having a visceral longing for carbs sure does improve a woman’s day and her outlook! We will see how this way of eating carries me into the New Year. For now, I am just going to try to love myself best, and not wait for someone else to do it for me.

Days 14 & 15- The 24 Days of Christmas Miracles Campaign (Or “Lock it Up!”)

A blurry photo of my mom and dad at my
aunt's wedding in 1991.

Today’s post covers Sunday and Monday, or the fourteenth and fifteenth days of Christmas miracles. Both of these miraculous events involve my dad. I have mentioned my dad on my blog before when I talked about how he regularly whoops my butt at Words WithFriends. I also mentioned that my dad is a hard worker and talented at all manner of household improvement and fix-it projects. Sunday was the culmination of a weekend in which Dad fixed a whole bunch of stuff for me. He put up my outside Christmas lights, blew all of the pine straw off my roof and out of my gutters, and re-glued a bunch of the little tiles down on my bathroom floor. My dad is a truly great person, and he is so helpful to me. He has also provided a great example to me of the fact that men can be reliable, in spite of real-life evidence to the contrary (when you have a broken picker at least).

Monday’s Christmas miracle is that I managed to escape a harrowing, possibly multi-day captivity. Yesterday morning when I tried to leave my house to go to work, I found that my door was stuck. I pulled and pulled, but I could not open the door. The lock was stuck, sentencing me to incarceration in my home. I was tired, and didn’t feel like going to work, so house arrest seemed like a good thing for a few minutes. Then I realized that I really couldn’t call in stuck to work, so I called my mom instead, and she came over and slammed at the door until it popped open.

Then, later, when I got home after a long day at work, I found that my amazing parents had come over while I was gone and replaced the lock, even making it so I did not have to get a new key. My mom hung out with my pets and plugged the drafty hole in the door left by a missing doorknob while my dad replaced the knob and lock. By the time I got home I could get in and out of my house like gangbusters! I don’t know what I did to get so lucky with such great parents, but every day I am thankful for my lot in life. And, I know I say this regularly as I attempt to justify some of the happenings I write about as “miracles,” but I do think it is pretty amazing that I get to have parents that not only love me and help me, but whom I also actually enjoy being around.

I mean, I could have ended up with Anne Ramsay’s character from Throw Momma From the Train as my mom or something, or I could have been sentenced to life with Darth Vader as my father, but instead I got two wonderful, caring people who always put my welfare above their own, and who also try to slip me cash on a regular basis. Christmas is a season in which we should be thankful for the large and small blessings in our lives. Merry Christmas Mom and Dad!