Why You Should Never Run Out of Weight Watchers Points

Weight Watchers and I are intimately involved. It has been this way since I first started gaining weight around 2006. After all, when your husband is a great conversationalist in that he can give you an elaborate play-by-play plot description of the video game Bioshock, well, then you tend to gain weight. So, when I noticed that the old pants were getting a little tight, I decided I should try to shed some pounds. I chose Weight Watchers because my mom and my aunt had had success with it some years earlier. Also, it had an online program, which meant I would not have to go to the Weight Watchers meetings and get weighed in front of a bunch of people.

I would not like to get weighed in front of a bunch of people for many reasons. First, the number that is my weight is something that you will have to torture me for many hours to get me to utter out loud, and then, even though I’m feeling weak from the sleep deprivation and endless hours of Gwar playing through the ginormous speaker you have set up right behind my head in your torture chamber, I will still lie to you. No matter what, I will tell you I weigh 150 pounds, the weight my driver’s license says that I am, and will continue to say that I am for all eternity.

Another reason that I don’t want to be weighed in front of anybody is that I have to remove absolutely every item of removable clothing or jewelry I am wearing in order to get the best reading. Of course I take off all of my clothes, but I am talking some serious unburdening of items here: I remove my earrings, take off my rings, take the elastic band out of my hair—hell, if I’m feeling particularly motivated I will even take off my makeup and cut my toenails before weighing. After all, every little ounce I can remove helps to give a more accurate picture of my weight. So, I cannot weigh at a Weight Watchers meeting because I will then be arrested for indecent exposure. But, now that I think about it, that might be a good thing, because the spectacle of my arrest might be enough to get the other Weight Watchers members to forget what the scale said when I was weighed.

Well, anyway, I first joined Weight Watchers as an online member and I weighed in once a week in the privacy of my bathroom. In those early days, I was sticking to Weight Watchers like a woman possessed. By that I do not mean that I never ate any junk food, but rather that I did a fantastic job of not going over my allotted points. And when you are so hell bent on sticking to your Weight Watchers plan, it is really not good when you run out of Weight Watchers points.

I remember the day well. It was around Easter, and I had just purchased and eaten a four-pack box of Cadbury Cream Eggs. On top of that, I still had the Easter bunny from my Easter basket, and I had eaten that too. So, the true miracle of Easter that year came, not from the meaning of the holiday, but in the land speed record I set for how quickly a chocolate bunny could be consumed. On top of this candy frenzy, I had also eaten my three regular meals, and probably a snack or two. By the time 8 PM rolled around that day, I had zero daily Weight Watchers points left, and zero weekly Weight Watchers points left.

For those of you who have never experienced the travesty of running out of Weight Watchers points, I can liken it only to that sinking feeling you get when you go to use your bathroom late in the evening and realize that, not only are you out of toilet paper on the roll, but that you also have no toilet paper in your entire house, and you will have to both figure out how to deal with the issue at hand, and, even though you are dead exhausted from working all day, you will also have to go to Rite Aid at 11 PM to buy more toilet paper. It’s a really bad feeling.

Well, back then, when I was but a Weight Watchers newcomer, I took my points seriously and refused to eat even one illicit cracker that did not jibe with my available points. Now, being an old and jaded, though much more flexible Weight Watchers member, I would simply say, “Boy, I screwed that up!” eat a twin pack of granola bars, and go to bed. But, alas! Back in 2006 I was a little obsessive, so I started looking through my house for zero points values foods to eat. If you are not familiar with Weight Watchers, I must tell you that one of the amazing things about it is that fruits and vegetables, other than the really good ones, have points values of zero. If you want to eat something really good like raisins, a baked potato, or corn on the cob, though, you will have to give up some points. But, things like lettuce, carrots, apples, and pears have no points.

In my house that evening, the pickings were slim. There were a few baby carrots left in the bag, and a couple of bags of prewashed lettuce—I believe field greens and hearts of romaine. Well, as you might imagine, I first grabbed the carrots, and washing them down with a Diet Coke, found that I was still as hungry as a t-rex at a vegan restaurant. So, I then opened the bag of field greens. I planned to only eat a few, because they were kind of bitter and not that good, but the ravenous hunger that was surely laid upon me by Satan himself made me eat the entire bag. Then, I opened up the romaine. I think romaine tastes pretty good. I easily ate the entire bag of romaine lettuce, and drank two more Diet Cokes (I used to have a severe Diet Coke addiction, but that is a story for another time.)

Anyway, even after eating the romaine, my stomach was still growling like it was on an episode of Thundercats, or something. So, I turned to my cabinets. There were some tasty things in those cabinets, but I settled upon a box of Metamucil wafers. I had them because my dog, Lula, had to take them to keep her regular. I thought, “These are health items designed to improve your digestion. Surely they are zero points.” Plus, after I tried one I found that they tasted like the Biscoff cookies you get on a Delta Airlines flight. I ate about five twin packs of Metamucil wafers. Sated, and feeling that I had successfully solved my problem, I went to bed.

You can guess what happened the next morning. I will spare you the details. To make things worse, I found out, upon closer inspection, that every twin pack of Metamucil wafers actually had 3 points, and I had consumed 15 extra points! So, my friends, it is for this reason that you must never run out of Weight Watchers points and, if you do, please, for the love of God, just go ahead and eat those granola bars.