The Miracle of Icing

I have a sweet tooth. I'll admit it. And my sweet tooth is not usually satisfied by the serving size indicated on the package of a delicious baked good. No, in order to be sated, my sweet tooth requires the amount of delicious desserts that a caterer would provide for a wedding with 200 guests.

Well, before I speak to you any more about desserts, you must know my theory of desserts that contain fruit. I wholeheartedly believe that a dessert with fruit is not a true dessert. This is because said dessert could still be construed as "healthy." Now, this is not to say that I never eat a dessert that contains fruit, but a fruity dessert would not be my preference if also given the choice of caramel, butterscotch, or chocolate. Exceptions to this rule include apple cobbler drizzled in caramel, and key lime pie. Key lime pie is really sweet, so, even though it contains fruit, it still satisfies my cravings. In general, the most important thing to remember about me is that when it comes to desserts, the sweeter the better.

So, you will not see me reaching for a piece of fruit tart, a slice of cake covered in chocolate ganache, or anything topped with a light, whipped frosting. No, give me the good stuff! And by that I mean desserts covered in rich, delicious, sugar-coma-inducing buttercream frosting. Now, I do still enjoy some sweet candies too, including candy corn, Cadbury Cream Eggs, and Snickers. Icing, however, is glorious! Perhaps my two favorite icing-laden desserts are Gigi's Cupcakes, and traditional sheet cakes from places like Publix, Costco, and Sam's Club. First, I must tell you that I can even eat Gigi's Cupcakes on Weight Watchers! I have these extra weekly points to use, and I can eat one or even two a week if I want. (This does not include weeks in which I have an "accident" with the baked Cheetos.)

Gigi's Cupcakes, if you've never had one, contain a ratio of about 1/4 cake to about 3/4 icing. In other words, they are perfect! When I visit my local Gigi's Cupcakes, there are always two things I consider asking the girl at the counter. First, I consider asking if I could just come lie down on one of the counters back in the baking area and have one of the cupcake bakers use their frosting bag and just squirt the icing directly into my mouth. Because taking part in such a procedure would be quite life affirming and therapeutic, perhaps I could even get my insurance to cover it.  Because, if my doctor said I HAD to go for thrice-weekly icing infusions—well, who am I to argue with the advice of a qualified medical professional?

The other thing I consider asking when I'm at Gigi's is if, instead of actually giving me an entire cupcake, the girl at the counter could take one of the cupcake boxes, you know, the kind with a spot for each cupcake, and have one of the bakers just fill each spot completely full of icing. Who needs the cake part anyway? After all, getting rid of the cake part reduces the number of calories I am taking in. Then, I could just eat the icing with a spoon or, better yet, put the box on a table and just stick my face in it and eat it that way, kind of how you see babies eating a piece of cake on their first birthdays. I might get a little up my nose but, well, I would love to enjoy the icing using all of my senses!

And speaking of babies and their birthdays, icing is a reason to enjoy children's parties too. There is almost always a sheet cake from, like, Publix or Kroger at such parties, and the cake almost always is adorned by monstrous gobs of icing in the form of flowers. You know how it goes, almost every kid wants a flower, and, then, no matter which kid gets the flower, I will look at that kid’s plate later and see that the kid did not even eat the entire flower! I always consider what a waste of icing this is when there is someone like me at said party who would happily gobble up all the flowers on the cake without even stopping to take a breath. In fact, I have considered getting an extremely long fork and silently stalking the children who get the flowers, then surreptitiously stealing the flowers when the kids aren't looking. And, after all, I would be doing their parents a favor by limiting the children's sugar consumption!

Unfortunately, though, if you complain about kids getting the good pieces of cake at a children’s party, everyone will think you are a bit odd, and if you stalk the children using an extremely long fork and, then, steal food off their plates when they’re not looking, well—then someone might call the police. So, since I can’t do these things, when I am at children’s parties, my strategy is instead to try to get a corner piece of cake, hopefully one that was located near the flowers, and that maybe has an icing leaf or something on top. I have to be pretty vigilant if I want to get a corner piece, because most people do not care as much about which piece of cake they get as I do. Instead of just hanging out and socializing, if you want to get that corner piece, you have to stand right there next to the person cutting the cake, and it helps if you even offer to hand out the cake to the other partygoers. If someone else hands out the cake, they are liable to give that corner piece away as though it were just some plain, ordinary piece of cake or something.

It is important to have a friend or family member assist you in your quest for the corner piece. Once the cake cutter hands you that illustrious piece, go hand it to your mom or brother or whomever and, this is vital, instruct them not to eat it. You see, after you have gotten your hands on the corner piece, you will have to keep up the ruse that you actually volunteered to hand out cake to be helpful, and not just because you wanted to ensure yourself a few extra square inches of icing deliciousness. That is why you need someone to guard the cake for you until you finish the job.

It also helps if you know someone who hates icing. Now, it can’t be someone who you think is gross and off whose plate you wouldn’t want to eat, but I find that I am okay with this with most of my family members when we are at children’s birthday parties. Once you get over the shock of finding out that there are actually people in this world who, gasp! hate icing, you can then get the icing hater to give you all of the icing they scraped off the top and sides of their piece of cake. Now, I won’t even pretend to understand why anyone would want to eat just the cake part, but, hey, I don’t have to understand, I just have to ensure that that icing gets off of their plate and into my belly. So, children’s birthday parties, while not as ideal for the icing connoisseur as Gigi’s Cupcakes, still provide a vital source of icing.

Now, I have considered that I could just mix up my own buttercream frosting at home, sit down in front of an episode of Breaking Bad with it, and eat it with a spoon. I live alone, so no one would ever have to know. I, however, prefer the illusion of control getting my icing fix through sheet cake and cupcakes give me, because without such constraints, you just might find me mainlining icing through a straw and, while this would allow me to discover a new way of enjoying icing, something tells me it’s just not normal.