The Dreaded Back-to-School Ad

I don’t know if I have mentioned it, but I am an elementary school teacher. The big perk of being a teacher is getting the summers off. Two other upsides to teaching are:

• I Have a Strong Bladder- I can wait extremely long stretches of time between going to the bathroom because I train my bladder all year by never being able to leave the classroom to visit the facilities until another adult comes in to watch the class. This skill is especially helpful when running marathons, attending outdoor festivals, and going to watch the Laser Show at Stone Mountain. (I have no personal experience with running a marathon, and probably never will unless a very dangerous looking mountain lion decides to chase me for 26.2 miles.)


• I Own a Lot of Sensible Footwear- Some teachers try very hard in the wardrobe department. They dress up in cute skirts and heels, and generally look absolutely flawless. I am not one of these teachers. I belong to what I think is a larger class of elementary school teachers who have realized that, because they work with young children, they do not really have to look that fashionable. Thus, I opt for comfort over style, and this decision comes through most clearly in my footwear choices. I almost always wear flats. I have many flats in black, navy, brown, and gray, and if I am feeling particularly adventurous, I will even buy a pair of red flats. (Wearing red flats gives me the illusion that I have on ruby slippers that I can click together and disappear from the situation whenever I encounter a particularly difficult child.) I do not wear heels because when I try to balance on heels I look like a thirteen year-old on her way to her first school dance. However, by the end of the day I am hobbling and limping and barely moving, which, if I quickly change into workout clothes, allows me to tell people that I have just completed a marathon, or, rather, a 26.2-mile mountain lion chase. Also, sensible footwear is appropriate for almost any occasion!

I don’t want you to think that there are only two upsides to teaching, but, really, I am having trouble thinking of more right now because I have been distracted by what I consider to be one of the biggest downsides of teaching: the dreaded back-to-school sale advertisements that start in July. Well, specifically, the anxiety these ads produce in me.

So, there I was a couple of weeks ago, minding my own business, knitting and watching Rizzoli and Isles when, what do I spy on my television during a commercial break? Why, it’s ten incredibly well-dressed children dancing around with school supplies! Seriously, those kids were much better dressed than I will ever be, though I must point out that they all had on sensible footwear too! Well, I watched the children dance, mesmerized by the colors on the screen until I saw the words “Back-to-School Sale” appear right in front of my face. I do not remember which retailer this commercial was for, but let me just tell you that I decided then and there that I would no longer give that retailer my business. Seriously, who, pray tell me, starts running back-to-school ads in early July? That is just cruel.

I am sure that at the moment the commercial ran, across the nation hundreds of thousands of teachers collectively doubled over, their stomachs clutched with a dread similar to that they would experience if told that they would not be allowed to watch any television show except Mama’s Family for the rest of their lives. Not only did I need to take a moment away from Rizzoli and Isles to breathe and go to my happy place, but that serenity break also caused me to miss a major plot point! Then I had to rewind the show to catch up, which is bad because my AT & T Uverse remote’s rewind button doesn’t function well, and my manual dexterity is not at its finest either when I am under stress.

I really think there need to be some kind of rules or laws governing the running of back-to-school commercials on television. For example, there should be restrictions on the types of shows during which such commercials can be run so that teachers never have to see them. I, therefore, propose the following two restrictions be placed on the running of such commercials:

• Back-to-School Ads May Only Be Run During Educational Programming- By educational programming, I do not mean children’s educational programming, either. After all, teachers with children are probably watching children’s educational programming and they would be irreparably scarred by seeing a back-to-school commercial any earlier than approximately two minutes before the ringing of the first bell on the first day of school. I mean, these commercials should only run during programming that is meant to enrich one’s life. Like History Channel documentaries, only not the really entertaining ones, like when they talk about crimes or how Wild West prostitutes lived. I mean the boring ones, like when they explain the history of the SEC, or when they chronicle some war that happened approximately 8 million years ago. You see, teachers have been dealing with children day in and day out all year, and in the summer we are worn out. This means that in the summer we choose only forms of entertainment that don’t tax our brains too much, like The Bachelor, or a soap opera, or The Voice. (Personally, when I watch The Voice it is because I am scouting out Adam Levine as a possible addition to my stable of potential perfect matches for me.) Anyway, you will find teachers watching, uh, less intellectually challenging shows during the summer, so run the back-to-school ads during that two hour expose on how the Fair Tax could ruin America, and not during Rizzoli and Isles!


• Back-to-School Ads May Only Be Run During Shows That Men Watch- Many teachers, at least many elementary school teachers, are women. So, if retailers want to run back-to-school ads during shows that we don’t watch, that would be great! For example, running an ad on Spike TV at any hour of the day is acceptable. Likewise, running an ad during any show that is about hunting, guns, or power tools would also work. However, back-to-school ads may not be run during any show that features a makeover, be it a home makeover or a personal makeover. Also, these ads may not air during any show that chronicles a wedding in any way, including Say Yes to the Dress.

I think that, if we can get all of the tv shows and tv stations in the world to abide by these rules, teachers would be much better prepared and much more well-rested when school does start. However, I do think that all networks should take all the ads no one wants to see, like back-to-school-ads, ads about laxatives, and those horrible ads for donating money to the Humane Society where they show all of the really sad cats and dogs and play the sad music, and then I have to run to the tv and turn it off before I start crying—well, the stations should run all of these ads during episodes of Mama’s Family.