Why I am Jealous of Babies

I am at an age when many of the people I know are having, or have already had babies. Now, the first great idea I had related to babies was that I would open a store that sells baby things, kind of like Babies-r-Us. The bad part about that is that I would have to move to Macon, Georgia, because what I wanted to name my store would require it. I would call my store Macon Babies, but the name just wouldn’t work if I opened it in Atlanta. Since I am not planning to move to Macon anytime soon, I have had to nix the store idea.

My brother Devin, and his wife, Abby, had a baby in January. Her name is Olive, and she is the cutest, most adorable baby that ever existed on earth. Now, I know many people feel this way about their babies, but in my family’s case it is true. “Our” baby is definitely much more attractive than every other baby in the world. She has chubby cheeks, and sometimes I worry I will squeeze her so hard that her head will pop off. Observing Olive I have noticed that she has a pretty sweet life, and this made me think about how lucky most babies are. In fact, I am kind of jealous of them.

First, babies get to be as lazy as they want to be. This would work well for me, because I enjoy being lazy. It would be great if I could just lie around all day, and still, even if I did nothing at all, everyone would stand around and talk about how cute I was. Plus, I could be so extraordinarily lazy that I would not even have to get up and walk to the bathroom when nature called. I could just go in my pants, and then one of my servants would come and clean it up.

Another way babies have it made is with the whole car seat thing. First, they do not even have to get up and walk out to the car. Someone sticks them in their little seat and carries them out there, and they can just relax or nap the whole way. Then, they are ferried around from place to place by a chauffer, and, they get to recline in their seat for the entire trip. The driver is acutely aware of them at all times, and he or she is always listening for sounds from the back seat. So, if I were a baby, all I would have to do would be to cry my head off and my chauffer would pull over to tend to my every need. (Kind of like ringing a bell for service at a hotel.)

The whole stroller thing is pretty nice too. Imagine how invigorating and peaceful it would be to sit in a seat (where you get to recline, no less!) and have somebody push you around outside while you enjoy the gentle breeze and sounds of nature. If they run while they push you, even better! When I am on a car trip with my family, and my dad gets on the expressway, the constant speed lulls me into a pleasant sleep. Being strolled would be the same thing, only with the sounds of birds, and getting to watch someone else exercise and know that you were doing absolutely nothing while they busted their ass pushing you up a hill.

Babies also have it made when it comes to body image issues. When you are a baby, people love it when you are fat. The fatter, the better it seems. Chubby babies are adorable, and rolls of fat all over your body are acceptable and even celebrated. I always tell Olive to enjoy the time in her life when people love her chubby thighs, but I think the thought is lost on her. Plus, when you are a baby, everybody is interested in you eating, and will even fight over who gets to feed you. I know this happens in my family, at least. We all want to feed Olive, and then she even gets to lie down while she is eating! She has started eating some baby foods now, and she doesn’t lie down to eat those, but even when she eats solid foods, someone else does all the work. She just has to sit in her little chair, and one of her servants feeds her, and everyone in the room thinks it’s adorable, and sometimes people even clap. Just imagine the boost to my self-esteem if people clapped and cheered every time I ate something! Of course, I enjoy eating a lot, and we might need to hire extras to perform the clapping in case my family and friends got tired, but I think I would be feeling pretty awesome about myself! I mean, really, if people loved that I was chubby, and loved it whenever I ate, well, that sounds like a fantasy world.

Olive receives more gifts than anyone I have ever seen. People, me included, are constantly buying her really adorable clothes from a variety of retailers. She never has to go out shopping herself, and it is like she has her own personal concierge. Plus, if any of her clothes get too small, everyone takes that as a sign that she is growing, and everyone thinks it is awesome. Then, we all just go buy her more clothes. Also, people like to buy her toys sometimes too. We try to get her things she will like. How absolutely amazing would it be if everyone I knew constantly bought me cute clothes, loved it when they wouldn’t fit me, and also brought to my house things I could do during my leisure time? I imagine I would receive a lot of yarn and knitting supplies, plus prepaid months’ subscriptions to Netflix. Also, if anyone would like to buy me a new computer monitor, that would be nice.

Clearly, babies have it made. Although it will be difficult, I will try not to let the monstrous envy I feel for the lifestyle of a baby destroy my existence. Instead, I will focus that energy on buying Olive more clothes, and, in order to kill two birds with one stone, maybe I will just purchase some yarn and knit her a nice sweater.