As a divorced female, I have done a lot of thinking about
relationships. Specifically, I have pondered what went wrong in mine, and also
how I don’t want to be in one ever again. After all, I enjoy living alone,
being able to do whatever I want whenever I want, and not having to take
someone else’s preferences into account when I choose television shows to
watch. However, I might decide that I do want to take on having a significant
other if I can find a man who meets the following requirements:
1) He must be an orphan. When I was
married, I quickly learned that when the in-laws came to visit, it made for
quite a long week. It can be hard enough navigating relations with your own
family, much less having to traipse through relationships with people who you
are not required to love by virtue of your being blood related to them. So, for
these reasons, I will have to find a man who is totally devoid of family
connections.
Of course, a distant rich aunt or uncle who
might leave him a sizeable inheritance would be acceptable, but no parents,
brothers, sisters, first cousins—you know what I mean. I would prefer someone
who wasn’t orphaned until a later age, preferably not before age 4—the age at
which experts feel personality is set. This way, he will have had a (hopefully)
loving influence in his life during those crucial years, but then he won’t have
anyone available to come stay at his house for two weeks after he is in a
committed relationship with a significant other.
2) He must be mute. While I understand
that good relationships are built on effective communication, my marriage to a
very disagreeable person taught me that sometimes one-way communication is even
better!
3) He must not like adult contemporary music.
There are deal breakers, and then there are deal breakers. Asking me to bring a third person into my
relationship in the form of Peabo Bryson is asking just a little too much.
4) He must not drive a sports car. Okay,
I’ll admit it. I carry a great prejudice against sports cars. First, there is
not enough room in them for all of my stuff and my pets. Second, I have seen
way too many men who look like they should be appearing in the Life Alert
commercials mentioned in my previous post driving them for me to believe that
men who choose sports cars are not trying to compensate for something.
5) He must not wear loafers with shorts.
Few looks trouble me as much as loafers, with no socks, paired with a pair of
khaki shorts. While I know appearances are just on the outside, in a successful
relationship, I would have to see that appearance all the time.
6) He must not play video games, except when I
want to play and I tell him it is okay. When I was married, my ex-husband
would play video games for many hours, and let everything else fall by the
wayside. So now I am looking for a man who only plays video games when I tell
him it is okay, because I want him to play them with me. This is where his
being mute will also come in handy, because he will not even challenge this
edict! (Also, I am allowed to play Scramble With Friends on my iPhone as much
and as often as I want to.)
7) He must have the same definition of
commitment that I do. Now, I don’t want to lead you to believe that I am
some kind of raging harlot, cavorting about the town looking for any man with a
pulse, but I do have to tell you that I do not want too much commitment. I do
not plan to ever get married again, and I am really less than enthusiastic
about having to share my living space with anyone who does not poop in a box,
so there would need to be some limits. (If you know a man who does poop in a
box, please do not introduce me to him!) For example, we would keep separate
residences, and would not see each other every day. I am thinking that this
means that George Clooney is my perfect match, because he travels often, is
clearly commitment-phobic, and the long distance between us would require that
we keep separate residences.
Now, I am not saying it is likely, but if I were to find
this amazing man, I might consider dating again. In the meantime, I am content
to share my life with the current man of my dreams, Charlie who, in addition to
pooping in a box, never makes any demands on me.
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