Dating Versus Exercising (Or, Why Things You Don’t Like Can Be Good For You)

Most dates don't turn out to be quite as swell as this one.

I don’t know what to say—two posts about dating in one week! After writing about online dating on Tuesday, the topic of dating in general has really stuck in my mind, prompting me to dedicate another post to it. What I have been pondering, specifically, is just how awful dating can be. While there are good things about dating, and while the process of dating can yield positive results, there are also some downsides that sometimes seem to outweigh the positives. In scanning my mind for an apt comparison to dating, I keep landing on the idea of exercise. Exercise, like dating, is something that many people do not enjoy doing, however, most people would love to enjoy that results that come from regular exercise. I think the process of trying to achieve results through regular exercise is similar to the process of trying to achieve results from dating, and the resemblance is almost uncanny in some ways.

First, the worst thing about both dating and exercise is thinking about doing them. I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time thinking about the things in my life I need to do and should do, and a lot less time actually doing them. As I discussed in a previous post, I am a great planner and list maker, but I am sometimes lacking in the execution department. I will think all day about how I am going to go home from work and exercise, how I really need to exercise—yet, when I arrive home, I can always put it off  until a new day dawns and the cycle begins again. Something I have noticed during my time as a fitness procrastinator is that when I actually do buckle my butt down and do some exercise it is not nearly as awful as I had imagined it would be. Even on my tiredest days, if I manage to drag my ass off the couch and go for a walk I almost always feel energized rather than terribly haggard and exhausted, which is the way I had envisioned I would feel.

I think a similar thing happens when we think about dating. While, in theory, dating is the best way to meet a person with whom I might want to forge a longer-term relationship, thinking about having to do it builds up a lot of anxiety in my mind. These days, meeting eligible men is not something that happens to me very often, which is what led me to think about online dating in the first place. Meeting eligible men who are actually nice, reliable, intelligent, and don’t want me to play a board game with them that requires dice with more than six sides is much harder than it seems initially. Once you find a pool of applicants from which to draw, you still have to worry about weeding out the ones that you would not be interested in.

I was afraid my date would
look like Gary Busey.

But, as is the case with exercise, often anticipating having to go on a date with someone we don’t know at all, or who we know very little is much worse than the actual date itself. For example, when I was about 20 years old, my older brother set me up on a blind date with a guy I will call “Jack.” Jack was about 22, had finished college, and was working for a local book publisher. My brother’s boss, who was friends with Jack, and who was also a woman, swore that Jack was cute, nice, and intelligent. And so, Jack and I talked on the phone a couple of times. The conversation flowed easily, and it seemed like we would hit it off when we actually got together in person. I was worried, though, that Jack might not live up to the hype that my mind had now involuntarily surrounded him with. I had him built up in my head as someone with whom I would get along famously, and someone who I would find very attractive. But what if when I met him Jack turned out to be a jerk who was a dead ringer for Gary Busey? I was pretty anxious about my date, but I went anyway and, you know what? It turned out to be a great experience.

Jack was super-cute, had a nice voice, and we did get along just as well as we had on the phone. We had dinner, which went on for, like three hours, and then we said good night. We hugged each other as we parted, and he mentioned calling me in the following days, which he did. We had several more conversations on the phone, and I felt like he might end up being a good guy after all. But, just before our next date, which was scheduled for a Sunday afternoon, he called me up to inform me that he couldn’t make it. It was, literally, like 10 minutes before I was supposed to leave my house, and I was all dressed and ready when Jack called to tell me that he would not be able to come on our date because he had to stay home and help his dad do his taxes. Even at the age of 20 I knew that the tax deadline was April 15. It was October! Jack explained that he had to help his dad with some back business taxes and, assuming he just didn’t like me, I accepted his explanation graciously and got off the phone. I felt aggravated, but resigned to the fact that nothing would blossom between us, and that he just wasn’t into me.

Now, while, in the end, my story didn’t turn out well, my point was that the actual date itself was way better than I had anticipated. During the short period of time Jack and I actually dated, I had fun and a little more excitement in my life than was usual. It made me feel energized, just as exercise does even when I think it is going to suck. So, am I suggesting that we all just bite the bullet and go ahead and go out on some dates because they will not be as bad as we are expecting? Well, it’s complicated. The major difference between dating and exercise is that you are unlikely to experience any profound disappointment after an exercise session. You will probably not go out for a run, and then realize that you could have run a more scenic route, and then ruminate about why you didn’t run the more scenic route for days at a time. Plus, when you go out for a run or walk, or when you walk on the treadmill, the treadmill is not likely at the end of your workout to express how much it likes you, suggest making plans for future walks, kiss you goodnight, and then never call again.

I think what I am proposing is that we try to view dating and relationships more in the way we view exercise. When we exercise on a particular day—let’s say we do 45 minutes on the elliptical machine, while we know doing it will hopefully pay off in the long run, we are able to focus on the 45 minutes and how we feel during that time. We stay in the moment and typically don’t spend the time worrying about how the workout tomorrow or the next day or the next day is going to be (well, unless we have anxiety or OCD, but that is another post entirely). We are not expecting the workout to drastically improve our entire lives, or to make us happier people, or to complete us in some way. I think we need to look at dating and relationships through this same lens. We should, perhaps, not go into a date with the idea that something will blossom between ourselves and the other person, but should instead exercise caution as we get to know someone new, treating the interaction the same way we treat a new exercise routine we have just started. We may end up liking it or we may not, but we should not get too invested in it until it proves itself to be the type of exercise we need to be doing, and until we start seeing positive results.

I, unfortunately, have tended to get too involved with the men I have dated too quickly, based on some shared commonality, one or two good conversations, or the fact that said man might have been very attractive or charming. Instead, I will start handling the situation the same way I handled my free month-long trial of Netflix. I will enjoy it, but will reserve judgment until I get a much better idea of exactly what is being offered. I will not expect it to offer everything I need or am looking for, and will not allow myself to get so invested that I am massively disappointed when I find something to be lacking.

If your date tells you he collects Precious Moments
figurines you should proceed immediately to the
nearest exit.

And if one of my dates ever acts in a strange or unexplainable way—you know what I mean—ceasing communication for no reason, telling you he really likes you, but it is better for both of you if you not get involved, or dropping the bomb that he enjoys collecting Precious Moments figurines—well, I will not automatically assume that it is something I have done or that it is something lacking in me, or that if I were just skinnier things would have worked out. Instead, I will accept the fact that it is an issue with him, and that he has probably behaved this way before with other women, and will probably do so with still other women in the future. I will try to retain the good from the situation, such as that I may have gotten several free dinners out of it, that I had some good conversation, and that, despite said man’s neuroses, I will not be set back emotionally. I will also realize that, through going out a few times with said freakshow, I have gained valuable insight into exactly what I am not looking for, and am, hopefully, a step closer to finding someone with whom I am compatible, who does what he says he will, and who does not cancel on me to help a family member sort out tax-related troubles.

Then, as I do after I exercise, I will relax, take a nice hot bath or shower, and curl up with a cold Snapple and Netflix—which has proven its usefulness to me far beyond the free trial, and which will always be there for me, save a power outage or terrible solar flares. After all, men may come and go, but endless numbers of episodes of past and current tv shows are forever!
Gary Busey image courtesy of http://www.celebritynetworth.com
1950's date image courtesy of http://fiftieswedding.com/
Precious Moments figurine image courtesy of http://www.crystalcornergifts.com/