Completing a Half Marathon Without Being Chased

This post will serve as my official announcement that I am exercising again! It’s such a big deal that I thought about going on to one of those websites parents use to order Christmas cards and baby announcements, and making an announcement to send out featuring a photo of my muffin top hanging over the top of my jeans on the left, and then a photo of the stomach of a Victoria’s Secret model on the right, with a saying like “Out With the Old, in With the New,” or something like that. But then, because of the saying, people would probably think the card was a New Year’s card, and they would be confused about why I was sending it out at the beginning of September. I have, thus, nixed the announcement idea and decided to just make this blog post instead.

I am like a hybrid of Doris Roberts and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

What I have decided to do is to train for, and actually participate in, a half marathon. I know! I must be crazy, but, really, I have wanted to do a half marathon for a long time. You see, back in my younger days I was quite the avid exerciser. I used to exercise six days a week, and on four of those days I did a full hour of cardio! The other two days I did weights for my arms, but no weights for my legs, and I did this for a couple of years, so I was like Arnold Schwarzenegger on top, and Doris Roberts on the bottom. On the arm weight days I only worked out for about 30 minutes, and I was kind of lax about it, but a photo of me does exist, from 2004, in which I am holding something up, and you can actually see my bicep muscle in the photo! Seeing that photo was a watershed moment in my life, let me just tell you!

But, as is the case with most things in life, all good things must come to an end sometime. And, alas! I slacked off on my exercising, gained weight, and my illustrious bicep muscle went into hiding, and apparently is more difficult to locate than Elliot Spitzer’s pants. I do have high hopes that, after adopting my new exercise routine, my bicep will reappear in some future photos, but I guess we shall see.

Anyway, I must mention that I am walking the half-marathon because, first, my orthopedist told me after my knee surgery in 2011, that I have the knees of someone twice my age, and that if I don’t watch it I will need a knee replacement by the time I’m fifty, and, second, because running is really hard, and I actually walk faster than I run. The unfortunate thing about walking a half marathon is that you have to figure out a way to finish the race before the time limit is up. My half marathon is on Thanksgiving Day, and it has a three and one half hour time limit, which means that I have to maintain a consistent pace of about 16 minutes per mile, at the very most. Keeping this pace can be somewhat of a challenge, because it means that I cannot just walk all leisurely like I am window shopping at the mall, and I will actually have to work for it. If I do not, then it will be the end of the race, and they will be closing the course, and I will not be finished, and all of the people will be driving by on their way to eat Thanksgiving meals, and I will be the only one, walking sadly alone on the side of the street, and I will be the only one without warm rolls or pie.

My current training schedule gives me Monday and Friday off, which is important, because who wants to work out on Monday or Friday? I mean, on Monday you are dead tired because you actually had to work all day after you slept late for two days and the most work you did was loading the dishwasher (if you’re me anyway). And, also, on Friday, you are dead tired because you have worked all week, plus done half marathon training and all you want to do is lie on the couch and you will maybe raise your head up long enough to eat, but that is all. Getting to take both Monday and Friday off was one of the main selling points of the walking half marathon-training program I chose. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have to walk three miles, and on Wednesdays and Sundays I do an easy 30-45 minute walk, or I do an easy 30-45 minutes of cross training. The inclusion of the word “easy” was another one of the program’s major selling points. On the cross training days I take my dog, Betty, out for a brisk 25 minute walk, and then I come home and do 15 minutes of arm weights, an then the P90X Ab Ripper routine, which is the same thing as getting kicked in the gut by Jack LaLanne in his prime.

The kicker, though, is that on Saturdays I have to do my long day of walking. Right now, at the end of my first week of training, the “long day” is just a four mile walk, but as it gets closer to the race day, the Saturday distance will increase up to 13 miles, which will seriously kick my butt. I consider my three walking days to be the most important in my training program, and when I go out walking I am very conscious to keep my pace pretty fast. In fact, I use an app called Map MyWalk that lets me know what my pace is, and also when I have completed each mile. When I go out walking I put on my sunscreen and my hat, and I turn on my music, typically Ella Fitzgerald, which doesn’t seem like it would lend itself to working out, but which works for me. The problem is I get kind of obsessive about monitoring my pace, and the first time I kept the walking app open the whole time, and my phone barely had enough juice to get through the whole walk.

After my walks I have to curl up in the fetal position
so I don't vomit.

I’ve got it worked out now, though, where I just look at the app periodically, and I don’t run the phone’s battery down. About halfway through my walks, because it has been hot and because I have literally, been hauling ass like I was being chased by a mountain lion, I start to feel sick, and then I have to take out my headphones because listening to music becomes too taxing. At this point I realize I have probably 20 minutes left, during which I will gasp for breath and drag myself on until I finally reach my door, enter my house, and then turn the fan on full blast and literally lie down on my carpet and curl up in the fetal position until I stop feeling like I am going to vomit. Though it doesn’t sound like it, it is actually a great feeling!

Every time I go for a walk I know I am approaching my goal of completing a 13.1 mile walk without being chased by a large predator, and I also know that I am improving my mental and physical health because, you know, exercise is good for both your mind and your body. Perhaps the biggest reward I will receive will come on Thanksgiving Day, after I finish the race. Feeling the glorious tiredness that comes from a good workout, I will get a shower and then proceed to my grandparents’ house for a Thanksgiving lunch, and when I get there, I will stuff my face with absolutely any foods I want. Because everyone knows the real reward to exercising comes from being able to eat more!

Doris Roberts image courtesy of http://www.wikipedia.org

Arnold Schwarzenegger image courtesy of http://www.ew.com

Fetal position image courtesy of http://www.comicvine.com