Runaway Station Wagon!

Something about this car screams, "Steal me!"

Well, we are back to one of my favorite topics: the mighty station wagon. I have previously waxed poetic about station wagons in this blog post. Today, however, the topic is a bit more serious—what happens when a station wagon develops a mind of its own, and station wagon theft. Believe it or not, both of these things are real problems facing millions of unsuspecting station wagon owners each day. Now, I know I said previously that no one would ever want to steal a station wagon (or a Ford Pinto for that matter), but, you see, that was a teensy bit of a fib. Just a little lie. We will get to that in a minute, though.

First, I must tell you about the time my mom’s station wagon developed a consciousness, not unlike that of HAL 9000, but more like that of Christine the car. I was about 15 or 16 at the time, so I was either driving with a learner’s permit or my full driver’s license. The fact that I learned how to drive in a station wagon that was the size of the average luxury yacht works in my favor. I can parallel park like nobody’s business, because when I learned to parallel park, it was like trying to park the Hindenburg in a compact car space, and if you can park that, you can park anything! Another thing about learning to drive in a station wagon was that I was kind of embarrassed about being seen in it, so I didn’t often want to have friends in the car, making it easier on my mom and dad. Right before I got my actual license, my parents bought me a used Ford Explorer. It was white, and it was wonderful, and that car and I had a love affair that lasted nearly 15 years, but, there were times when necessity dictated that I drive the station wagon. For example, when I needed to transport large items, or when my Explorer needed to have some work done on it.

One time I was out driving with my mom when we discovered that the station wagon had developed full awareness and the capacity for thought and planning. We were going up a hill on our street, and I was driving, of course, because when I first learned to drive I drove absolutely everywhere and would not give anyone else even a chance behind the wheel. We were travelling pretty slowly when, suddenly, the station wagon sped up without warning! I had not pressed the gas, yet the car made a sound similar to what would emanate from the typical hard-driving Indy 500 stock car. And we were off! Our speed spontaneously increased by about 15 miles per hour, turning the station wagon’s usual speed mechanics of going from zero to 60 in 20 minutes on its head.

Hopefully the station wagon will
not become violent!

Startled, I pressed the brake, and the car slowed. But as soon as I let off the brake we went careening through the neighborhood like the Flash on uppers. This particular car quirk, while it brought to mind scenes from Maximum Overdrive, actually turned out to be pretty enjoyable. I suddenly wanted to take my friends for rides in the station wagon to show off the “autopilot” feature it had gained. Plus, I learned when to press the brake and when not to, and figured out how to drive almost without pressing the gas at all! That was probably such a huge feat of environmental conservation that the EPA should have sent me a medal! Because the autopilot feature was so cool, and so much fun, my parents didn’t get it “fixed,” and by fixed, I mean they didn’t destroy the best feature to grace a station wagon in automotive history.

We have now come to the part of this post in which I have to delve into a grave and important issue: station wagon theft. It really does happen! When I was about 20 or so, my mom’s station wagon had to be fixed. I do not remember what was wrong with it, but hopefully the issue at hand was not getting rid of autopilot. My dad works downtown, and worked downtown back in 1998, and he always took our cars to a shop near his office when they were in need of repair. The station wagon, thus, went downtown for a few days to spend some time at the repair shop. It had been there a couple of days when my parents received a call that it was missing. It had simply disappeared from the parking lot at the shop. Now, maybe the shop should have had a more secure parking lot, but at this point that’s all water under the bridge.

A police report was filed, citing station wagon thievery as the offense, and a BOLO was issued for a tan Chevy Caprice station wagon with that snazzy wood paneling on the sides. Wouldn’t you know, the station wagon actually turned up just a few blocks from the repair shop! It was found in a vacant parking lot and had been crashed into some bushes. While the car had sustained minor scratches, there were no noticeable dents to speak of, and the thing still ran like gangbusters. Apparently, the thieves had hotwired the station wagon and taken it for a joyride. Finding the wagon too disagreeable, they had crashed it into some bushes and abandoned it in a nearby parking lot. (I told you it had its own consciousness.)

The very fact that a boat-like station wagon circa 1984 was the car of choice for automobile filchers makes me really wonder about what other types of cars were being fixed at the repair shop that day. Perhaps there really was a Ford Pinto there, and the wagon just seemed like the best choice. I am wondering if the car, sensing that its occupants were not authorized to drive it, engaged its autopilot feature to the extreme. Perhaps it sped them up to 85 miles per hour without warning, causing them to weave into the parking lot and slam into the bushes, running terrified from the maniacal machine. I suppose we will never know what really happened there, but one thing is for sure: If you find yourself the unauthorized driver of a stolen station wagon, just throw in the towel right then and there. You will be lucky to escape with your life!

Station wagon image courtesy of http//www.zuoda.net

Maximum Overdrive poster courtesy of /http://www.scifi-movies.com