And Shopping Victory Is Mine!

You too can feel like someone just hit you in
the stomach with a 2 x 4!

So, yesterday I went shopping for clothes, as I mentioned I would in a previous post, and let me just tell you, it was the best shopping trip ever! First, I think I planned very well, in that I decided to get up early and exercise before going shopping. Exercising before going shopping is important, and something I would recommend, because it will make you feel much healthier and skinnier than you might otherwise have felt. With this in mind, I specifically did ab exercises. In fact, I did the Ab Ripper routine from P90X, which sort of makes your abs feel the way they would feel if you were having horrible stomach cramps, but in a good way. I did the ab exercises because, even though I know I still have a muffin top that is likely to hang over my pants, at least my abs felt great from the workout when I went shopping, so it was like I was Kate Moss or something. The second way in which great planning helped out in making my shopping trip a success is that I decided to eat after shopping so that my stomach would not feel full, nor would it poke out any more than it usually does.

My mom and I went to Macy’s at Lenox Square Mall, and we arrived just before 11 AM, which is the time Macy’s opens. We were standing there when the nice little man came and unlocked the door, in fact. After making a long and circuitous trip through the Men’s Store, we found the main escalator. (Seriously, it was like being in the middle of a huge labyrinth. I’m surprised we didn’t encounter a Minotaur or something). Upon reaching the escalator, we remembered that the plus sizes are on the bottom floor, in the basement. In an effort to disguise the fact that it sells plus sizes, or perhaps to make plus-sized women feel better, Macy’s has cleverly named the section “Macy Woman.” Now, when I was growing up, some clothing makers had code words for plus-size clothing, and the one I remember most vividly is “husky.”  As in “Let’s go to the JC-Penney Outlet Store and buy Little Johnny some husky-sized Levi’s.” So women who wear larger sizes are “women,” while boys are “husky,” and men are “big and tall.” If clothing manufacturers really wanted to make us larger folks feel better, instead of giving the sizes we wear code names, they could make it so that each price tag on said clothing is made of a folded up $100 bill. Now that would really boost my self-esteem!

My mom and I finally reached the plus-size section, and I noticed that there were mannequins with the actual proportions of real people! The mannequins were even wearing cute outfits, but the only problem was that some of them did not have any hands. Literally their hands were cut off at the wrists. Now, perhaps the mannequin manufacturer decided that these plus-size mannequins were too large for his tastes (obviously it is a man who makes women’s clothing mannequins), and decided to slim them down a little by cutting off their hands. It would probably make them weigh less, which I can understand. After all, I have considered amputation before my Weight Watchers’ weigh-ins at times.

First mom and I looked at pants, and I decided to go with the realistic size, a 16, rather than the optimistic size, a 14. If I fit into the 16 it would be a victory, as that would mean I have gone down four sizes since I was at my heaviest. We collected several pairs of pants, and even managed to find some cute ones on the 50% off clearance rack, which was a surprise, because usually the things on the 50% clearance rack are obviously there for a reason. Like they are made of pink Lycra, or the pants are crotchless, or something equally awful. Then we looked on the 75% off clearance rack of shirts and tops, and found that almost everything on that rack either looked like a giant bandanna or was adorned with rhinestones. While I am all for things being sparkly and shiny, I prefer not to go out in public looking like I’ve been attacked by a Bedazzler. In the Michael Kors section I found two pair of dress pants and a pair of jeans, and even a clearance shirt. Plus, I found some yoga pants that were on sale, and, here’s the kicker, they even had a tummy control panel so that I can appear skinny when I am exercising or lying on the couch watching Perception on TNT.

Is this my doppelganger?

The woman manning the fitting room was very nice, and even allowed me to take approximately 274 items back into the dressing room with me, even though the limit said six. I went into a dressing room in the very back of the fitting room area, because I like privacy when I discover that the pants I am trying on are too small, when a miracle occurred. Everything I tried on fit me and looked good, and nothing was too small! Now, I don’t know if this is a big deal for you men, but for women, when everything you try on fits, and, especially if you don’t have to go get a larger-sized pair of pants, well, that is so amazing that it is even worth creating a whole tv show about. A sit-com maybe. Or, better yet an “epic miniseries” in which Katharine Hepburn is brought back to life to play me. (Okay, in reality I would probably be played by the woman who is Flo on the Progressive tv commercials, because someone saw a picture of her in real life, not in her Flo getup, and told me she looks like me.) 

And then, my wonderful mother (and dad, even though he wasn’t there), even bought the clothes for me because I do not have two nickels to rub together, although I do play the Powerball when the jackpot is really big. This great triumph was followed by the letdown, known as bra shopping. Since I had gone down four sizes in pants (yay!), I was hoping my bra size had also gone down, which it had. Unfortunately, though, my band size is still pretty large, and none of the nice, cute bras seem to be made in band sizes over 38, so I had to go to the bra section where the bras look like helmets that would fit over your head. Or, if you can find a black one and put one cup over each eye, then you could play The Fly if they ever remake that movie again.

I couldn’t believe that I had gotten the size so wrong when I measured my bra size at home! I don’t know if you know this, but many women are unknowingly wearing the wrong bra size. One hint that you might be one of these women is that you get a muffin top over the top of the band of your bra, but there is no tummy control technology used on the sides of shirts, so you just kind of have to hope no one notices. Well, I didn’t want to be one of these women, so I went online and searched for “measure bra size,” and I found an article on Real Simple that I followed to a T. Okay, well, I might have pulled the tape measure so tight that I couldn’t breathe when I measured the band size, to get it to be under 40 so that I would theoretically be able to buy cute bras instead of something that Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies would have worn, but other than that I did a great job! The bra shopping just got to be too stressful after a while because, let’s face it, trying on bras is not fun unless you think they are pretty, and even then it is still kind of a pain in the ass. I will try my luck online for bras, ordering a couple of sizes so I can try them on in the comfort of my own home, and then I will send back the one that doesn’t fit.

My shopping trip helped make today a great day, not only because I found some good clothes, but also because it was the first time I had fun shopping since before I was with the ex Mr. Broome, who frowned upon shopping as a general rule. It was a freeing experience, other than the part where I tried on bras. I would dare say I actually enjoyed my shopping trip! So, if you decide to go shopping soon, I must first sincerely encourage you to take some of the pre-shopping measures I took yesterday, and may all of the pants you try on fit!

Picture of Flo courtesy of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flo_(Progressive_Insurance)

P90X photo courtesy of http://blog.extremefitnessresults.com/product-reviews/p90x-reviews/p90x-dvd-by-dvd-workout-reviews/ab-ripper-x/#