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| You are a crafty one, Yellow Jacket! |
Today marks the
beginning of a new type of blog post: open letters. I used to write open
letters just on my Facebook page, and I may post one of those from time to
time, but, for the most part, any open letter I write will be new. Without
further adieu, I present an open letter I have written to the yellow jacket
that stung me yesterday.
Dear Yellow Jacket,
Before I take you to
task for your shocking and nefarious behavior yesterday, let me first commend
you on the subterfuge you employed in landing on my leg without my noticing. I
was cutting the grass in my backyard, listening to music, and generally
enjoying life, when I felt a searing pain on my right inner thigh. I looked
down to see you, attached to the outside of my Dri-FIT exercise shorts. One
second you were not there, and then you were. It was amazing! Your speed and secrecy in
mounting your attack impressed me. Well played, Yellow Jacket, well played. Now, Yellow Jacket, I am impressed with the strength of your stinger, and
that you were able to get me through a layer of fabric. However, let me suggest
that next time you simply request that I remove my shorts first. I will say no,
of course, unless you offer to buy me dinner first, but your posing the
question will allow me enough advanced warning to avoid your attack.
Once I felt the
searing pain in my thigh, I began shaking my leg to try to get you off of me. I
grabbed the edges of my shorts and shook them violently, and, eventually, you
fell off. While I do wish you the best in your future endeavors, Yellow Jacket, because I am not someone
who holds a grudge, I am afraid you didn't make it through the event. You see,
after you fell off, I inadvertently ran the lawn mower over the spot on the
ground where you landed. After your devastating and untimely death, Yellow Jacket, I took a break from
cutting the grass and got some ice to put on the site of your attack. I had a
huge red welt, and my leg throbbed like the disco beats you can find on an old
episode of Soul Train.
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| If you take Cialis, Yellow Jacket, you and your little yellow jacket wife can sit in bathtubs together. |
Once the pain began
to dissipate, and the swelling went down, I searched for your stinger. Now, Yellow Jacket, I must tell you that,
while your stinger is strong, it is also very tiny, and was very difficult to
remove. Do you have stinger envy, Yellow
Jacket? Was your attack on me an attempt to prove to all the other male
yellow jackets that you are manly and virile, and that you do not need to take
Cialis before attempting to sting someone?
Either way, Yellow Jacket, please be aware that if
you by some miracle survived the incident, next time stinging me will not be
such a simple feat. If you sting me again I will seek out your home, and drive
out all of your little yellow jacket friends with fire. You have been warned!
Sincerely,
Audrey V. Broome
Yellow jacket image courtesy of http://urbanjunglehoney.blogspot.com/
Cialis image courtesy of http://www.sodahead.com
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