Dating Red Flags

This man is laughing because he heard about all of those
unfortunate men I used to date.

As a veteran dater, and seasoned picker of bad men, I have a lot of experience with red flags—you know those things that pop up with someone you date that should indicate to you that you need to run, not walk, in the opposite direction? Specifically, I have a lot of experience with ignoring red flags. The older, wiser me, though, has made a commitment to myself to not only notice, but to heed red flags as the warning signs that they are. However, in case I don't notice these red flags myself, I have a system in place that echoes the United States government's system of checks and balances. My judgment about whether or not a man is good for me can be overridden by a two-thirds vote by the two other members of my "Dating Cabinet." These two members are my mom, and Jacqueline, my sister-in-law. If they both veto my dating choice, then I have to send him on his way, and just assume that I am blind to whatever issues he has, but that I am saving myself from what has been my most egregious sin: not noticing when a man is crappy. Today, as a public service, I will share with you some red flags I have come across during my years of dating, and I will indicate whether or not I heeded the warning signs and ran in the opposite direction.

Red Flag #1- Making Rude Comments About My Driving

When I was in college I briefly dated a guy named Sean. It was the time when I was first getting into old jazz and swing music, and he and I would go out swing dancing together. One evening, as I was driving us home from somewhere, and I swerved my car a little to avoid something in the road, he made a comment that I was a bad driver, but that this was to be expected, because all women are bad drivers. This comment irritated me a lot, and I thought Sean was a big jackass, plus, I wasn't so totally attracted to him either. Sean got kicked to the curb! Later, when I was no longer dating Sean, I spoke with a friend from my drawing class who had also previously dated him. She told me about the time he had some awful rash and gave it to her (she was a bit of an over sharer) and I was glad all over again that I'd chosen to send him on his way!

Unfortunately, my ex-husband (he-who-must-not-be-named) also told me I was a bad driver. (I promise, I am actually a good driver!) Because he was much more charming and exciting than Sean had been, I actually ignored this red flag rather than recognize it as the unnecessary criticism that it was. I kept him rather than getting rid of him, so for that I get an F on my dating report card!

Red Flag #2 - Smoking Copious Amounts of Marijuana, Being Gay, and Having a Crazy Family

When I was about 22, I dated a guy named Chris. I did not find Chris to be super attractive physically, but I liked his personality (I hadn't yet realized how important being attracted to your dating partner is!). Also, looking back, I am pretty sure he was gay, but just didn't feel comfortable acknowledging the fact to himself at that point in his life. He had a male friend he seemed to have too much of a bromance with, and some of the things he said sometimes also suggested to me that he preferred men. (Although stupid me didn’t notice this at the time!)

Chris also smoked gobs and gobs of marijuana, like, all the time. I mean, he smoked so much that he might have single-handedly been responsible for the livelihoods of half of the members of the Mexican drug cartel in the late nineties. I have never done any drugs, and have never even tried marijuana or cigarettes, so I was not comfortable with his smoking habits. Plus, he was also supremely unmotivated. But, rather than pay attention to my gut, which told me this situation was just not working for me on so many levels, I "dated" Chris for a year. Well, I dated him as much as a straight woman can date a gay man. Then, the craziness of his family was what finally put me off enough to end it. (See, there were many issues here). I had not yet learned that love doesn't conquer all, and continued to make similarly themed bad choices for years afterward. Dating report card grade: F- (Is there a grade below an F-? Because that’s what I deserve!)

Red Flag #3 – Refusing to Introduce Me to a Co-Worker With Whom He’d Had a Fling

This lovely red flag comes courtesy of he-who-must-not-be-named. When I had only been dating him for a month or so I found out that prior to dating me (actually, like, the day before he met me) he had had a one-night adventure with a lady he worked with. Then he started dating me, and told her he wasn’t interested, which is pretty crappy behavior, but at the time it didn’t bother me one bit. I guess I felt like I was special or something, because I got picked over this woman. Now, in the true spirit of sisterhood, I would approach the scorned woman and suggest that we both chase after him with pitchforks and flaming torches.

The jackass then told me that I could never attend any work functions with him because this woman was so upset that he was dating me, because she really, really liked him. To give you a sense of how totally effective the full frontal lobotomy I obviously must have had was—well, I actually thought he must be a considerate person because he cared so much about her feelings. Now I suspect there might have been something going on on the side there, or that he was simply unwilling to apologize to her for his abominable behavior and explain the situation. But, probably both.

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time to observe your life like Ebenezer Scrooge did in A Christmas Carol, only, once you reach a pivotal moment, you could, like, shoot yourself with a spear gun or something, necessitating months and months of rehab, thereby removing you from a bad person or situation? Well, I wish this often when I think of my dating history. If I could have shot myself with that spear gun the moment Old Jackass started spewing the story of how he didn’t want to hurt his co-worker’s feelings, well, believe me, I would have!

Dating Report Card Grade: I- (I figure that we should create a super-low grade below an F for when people do really stupid things, so I have created the grade of I, which stands for idiot.)

I am like the Statue of Liberty for men.

Ladies and gentleman, these are just some of the numerous red flags I have ignored in my life! There are many more, which I am sure I will share with you over time. At this point, knowing what an unfortunate picker of men I am, I am just thankful that I have never seen one of my past boyfriends on the news as a serial killer or something. However, as I said earlier in this post, I am committed to not being an idiot anymore with my dating standards, and I will accomplish this feat by actually having dating standards. My past dating philosophy can best be described by an excerpt of the poem by Emma Lazarus that is engraved at the base of the Statue of Liberty:

...Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me...

While I have not, to my knowledge, ever dated a homeless man, with my previous nonstandards this could easily have happened. Now, I take my new philosophy from the U.S. Armed Forces: Shape up or ship out!

Laughing man image courtesy of http://maxmemories.deviantart.com/art/Dominican-Crazy-Old-Man-172728333

Statue of Liberty image courtesy of http://famous-placez.blogspot.com/2011/07/statue-of-liberty.html